The Cucumber Song
as performed by Iris & Rose
on Missed Conceptions
Lyrics and Music Traditional

A restless young lady from Ferland*
Developed a wonderful trend.
To purchase cucumbers for pleasure
'Cause she found they were better than men.

So line up for your cucumbers ladies.
They're selling for two pounds a piece.
Your frustrated days are all over,
And cucumbers never get pissed.

Oh, they never leave stains on the mattress,
They're happy to live in the fridge,
The loo seat is never left standing,
And I've never seen cucumber kids.

In Asia they're eaten with chiles,
In Britain they're put between bread,
But in Ferland we use them as teddies,
'Cause we've found that they never want head.

So watch out you self-centered guys,
You're not quite as great as you think.
There's no garauntee it'll work again,
And we can't trade you in when it shrinks.

*Pretty much any two-syllable city name works here. Small farming towns or communities work best.

If there is anything I've missed, any information that you know to be incorrect, or if there is a song you've heard on the podcast that you would like to see included, please do not hesitate to contact me at lyrics@renaissancefestivalmusic.com.